I sat on the side of the bed, leaning my head against it, my eyes filled with tears and my heart beating wildly at the thought of not being able to see Edward again.
I didn't even get the chance to run my hands along his face for the last time, to remember each and every corner of it, to memorize his smile for as long as I live in this world.
I wonder what Edward would say once he finds I am not there?
He would definitely go ballistic after learning that it was all my fault that my mom found the divorce papers!?
Would he go search for me?
No, he would probably be very angry at me, he wouldn't even call me after my huge clumsy mistake!
After all, I am the reason our fake marriage got discovered in such an unexpected circumstances!
Edward would never forgive me for that!
But still, I am his best friend.
Will he decide not be friends with me anymore!?
Would he miss me as much I would miss him?
Can he live his life without me being a part of it?
Would he want me to come with him, back to our home?
My line of thoughts were cut short by the continuous vibration of my cellphone. Quickly wiping my tears, I picked it up and stared sadly at the caller ID, too hesitant to pick up the call after what had happened. After five or six rings, I sighed in defeat and put the phone on my ear.
"Why wouldn't you attend my call, Lily?"
I bit my lips, tears forming once again in my eyes. "I.. I was just reading some book and... I must have fallen asleep that's why I didn't see your..call."
"Are you okay?"
"Yes I am. I told you I am just a little frustrated, that's it!"
Edward sighed. "No you're not fine! Why do you always lie to me!? It's getting on my nerves now-"
"I am not lying, Edward! I'm really, totally and entirely fine, it's not that you really care anyway about it anyway!I am just not really in a mood to talk right now-"
"I care a lot about you, Emily! Even more than I think I can ever care for anyone in my life! Why don't you ever understand it-"
"You do have a weired way of showing it then!"
There was a complete silence from his side which stretched leisurely between both of us for than minutes. I waited for him to say something, a word or two but then I bit my lips in realisation that I actually snapped at him for no reason.
He sighed loudly. "Look, lily I didn't call to fight with you. I just wanted to tell you that I am on my way to home and I couldn't think of any better gift to buy so will you help me with it now?"
My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Gift!? For whom?"
"Why, for your parents, of course! I told you we would go visit them today since you miss them so badly and I really feel bad now, considering you're doing way too much of a favour to me-"
"And I told you my mom would come to visit me today, Edward!"
"So did she come then?"
"Yeah of course! Why not! We two had a very great time together and she was really happy seeing me after a long time! So we really don't have to go there now, and besides, Mom was not feeling well so I sent her home-"
"That's very much of a reason I must visit her! I also miss her so much, Emi and it's been months since I last saw her. It would be very much of-"
"Mom knows the truth, Edward" I whispered, cutting him off.
He stopped talking and I heard the loud screeching of the car, rough sound of shuffling, the light push of opening of the car door, indicating he must've come out of the car now, before he cleared his throat and spoke again. "What truth, lily?"
I contemplated in my mind, many ways of telling him how our truth was out so easily, without making it too painful and shocking for him. "Truth of you and me. Truth of our fake marriage, Edward."
"But how!? We were very cautious about it all this time, never giving them the chance to grow suspicious-"
"She found the divorce papers in my closet."
Edward didn't say anything for a few minutes and I prepared myself for getting scolded by him, for my carelesness, cursing myself all along, for my own stupidity of hiding such an important papers in my closet.
"Where are you!?"
"I told you it was a bad idea from the start to bring divorce papers-"
"Where are you right now, Emily!?"
I bit my lips, staring at the photo beside my bed, where our whole class was gathered to take a group photo and Edward was busy fighting with some fat bimbo, hoping to push her aside to stand beside me but they captured the photo in the middle of his futile fight with that girl and I remember I laughed a lot at his stupid misunderstanding when he thought that I was actually getting more closer with that girl, and would stop being friends with him anytime soon.
"I am at home." I whispered.
"Whose home!? Didn't your mom say anything after finding about our marriage?"
"Yes, she did. In fact, she was very angry, Edward and that's why she specifically told me not to stay with you anymore-"
"So she took you with her, then!?"
"I coudn't stop her. She was right all along. She expected a lot from me and all my life, I just dissapointed her. She had just one child, a girl she always wanted to have and yet I never behaved as one , no matter how many times she would try to convince me and I..I.." I wiped the tears from the back of my hand, adjusting the phone on my ears "I always hurt her with my stubborness. I am a bad daughter who is the cause of all her mother's pain!"
"It's okay Emily, we'll sort this out-"
"No we can't, Edward and we both know it! So don't give me any false hopes!"
"I am telling you, we will! So have some faith in me!"
"And what're you planning to tell her huh? That you proposed a fake marriage to me just because you wanted to continue being in relationship with Lara!?"
"She knows we married for fake!? But how? Just by looking at some divorce papers, she knew it!?"
"What else conformation did she need to suspect anyway!?"
"But we can always say that we had a huge fight over something and that's why it all lead to bringing divorce papers-"
"You signed it, Edward and she saw it clearly."
"Did you also sign it, then?"
I hesitated. "No but the divorce papers are the mere evidence to prove to her that our marriage wasn't a successful one, like the one she has always wished me to have!"
"But we can always convince her that we still want to be with each other-"
"Edward, she thinks that you don't love me! You never loved me to begin all this and she's really upset with all this!"
I hung up the phone in frustration, crying uncontrollably now, putting my hand over my mouth to stifle a sob just as my knees gave up and I slid from the bed down to the floor.
Leaning my head on the cold floor, I curled like a ball, placing my limbs close to my body to stop myself from shivering from coldness of the floor.
As well as my cold heart.
I let all my tears trickle down the corner of my eyes, onto the floor, my eyelids drooping low with the tiredness and pressure of the day. Raising one hand towards the corner of my bed, I tucked lightly on the blanket which fell above me.
Finding it too hard to move my hands, I lazily covered myself with the blanket moving my legs, suddenly finding some unusual warmth and kindness in that little piece of cloth which clung to me to protect me from cold.
Which accepted me for who I am and not for what I can be.
I had been rejected too many times in my love for Edward but none of that hearbreak ever involved me comparing myself or my worth to those lower objects which I had been living with all my life.
It was time for me to get over him.
Before I lose too much of me to ever move on.
I had waited too long for him to notice me the way I wanted him to, when all he ever cared for was Lara, her feelings, his love and his future with her.
After all, Lara was the one he wanted to marry.
I tried to take her share of happiness.
I was being selfish from the start, when I agreed to marry him.
I was only thinking of myself and my feelings then, hoping that things will change for good once I marry him.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes shut tightly, hoping for sleep to engulf me completely, and never to let go of me.
It was the least I could do for my heart to rest in peace when it had always been the one to never get what it wanted.